Today

I've been pretty good at pretending I'm strong throughout this whole thing, but today is not one of those days. (Really though the only strength that I have had is God's.) I had a follow up appointment with my ob/gyn today. I'm so thankful for her and that God took me to her. She is really great. So the results of that appointment are that my uterus is still enlarged (one of the symptoms of a molar pregnancy, and why I realize now I was "showing" so quickly when we first found out I was pregnant), but it should continue to go down. I had stopped bleeding, but started again today, which is just all part of this whole thing. My doctor put me on a prescription strength iron pill to help get my blood count back up. She didn't check to see if I was anemic, but is pretty much a given that I need to build my blood back up. I had asked when I would feel better, and her response was 6-8 weeks, but that iron would help. I also got a prescription for birth control (whoo hoo). I know that so many people are on the pill and love it, but I just haven't had good experiences. On top of that I got the cheapest one that I could and it is still going to be about $20/month. I would appreciate your prayers that birth control doesn't affect me emotionally. I'm very nervous about this (why, I'm not sure, as God has been so faithful to me throughout this experience. I guess I'm just living in my flesh today.) I read some reviews about this particular pill, and they weren't good, about the emotional side affects. My doctor also scheduled another follow up for two weeks from now to recheck my uterus. It turns out that I will pretty much have weekly appointments between the oncologist and her, but better safe than sorry. From here on out, I need to have my hCG levels checked every two to three weeks until I have three negative readings (under zero), after that I will have my levels checked every three months until a year has passed. At that point, we may be released to try again to get pregnant. I asked my doctor about my chances of this coming back. She said that it is a greater risk within the year time frame, but still a low risk...yet there was a 1/1,500 chance of this happening in the first place and it happened to me. She explained to me that they do not want me to get pregnant because it is hard to monitor whether or not the carcinoma has come back (her words) because all they have to go by is the hCG levels. She said that if I get a blood test that my levels are elevated I would need more intense treatment (possibly chemo). Her words were that if I were to become pregnant this, molar pregnancy, is so dangerous that they would have to abort the pregnancy and treat it as if it was in fact a molar, because there would be no other way to tell. So it is worth the wait. I'm really trying to rest in God's plan and lay this at His feet. Today it was hard to see the pregnant women in the office, especially the ones with what looked like another 2 year old child. I spent most of Sunday crying over this, and Eric said "did you ever think you would cry over not having a baby?" We laughed, and then he said that he thought it was pretty neat that I did want a baby. My doctor also talked with me about the care I had received in Lubbock and asked if I had notified my doctor there of what had happened. She said that she did not even have to see me, just my levels and the sonogram and list of symptoms, to know that this was a molar pregnancy. I think after I am better emotionally (not sure when that will be, especially being on the pill), I'm going to write a very professional letter to them about the care I received. I'm really not angry, and what is done is done, and God allowed this all to happen, but maybe I can help a patient in the future have better care.
I so appreciate all of your prayers and love! I continue to need them, even though surgery is done! I'm ready to feel better and not have to live day to day or appointment to appointment. We'll get there though, I just have to keep trusting in what God is doing in my life. Speaking of, I think I really need to stop venting and get in the Word right now!:)