Results from 9/20/07

The nurse just called and my hCG levels are still < 5!!! Yeah for God taking care of me throughout all of this. This is the absolutely best outcome that could have happened from this experience!

So, are you still liking Amarillo?

This was the question the doctor asked me today. Thankfully, we are able to laugh about it now, but my experience with being in Amarillo has been crazy...but very positive as I have received great care. Today was my last appointment for 3 months! I will go back every 3 months until I have reached 1 year from my levels dropping to < 5 (which was about 3 weeks ago). I will have my blood drawn today, and then once a month for a year as well. It feels good to be going to the doctor less and getting my blood drawn less. Especially when Mali keeps asking "Momma, are you going to have your blood drawn?" and acting that out.
Something that I feel like God has shown me about the length of the "process" I had to go through was that it might have actually been a blessing. I will try and explain this. I joined an online support group and have read different personal accounts of women with molar pregnancies. It seems that most of these women have D&C's immediately and have high hCG levels after the D&C. When their levels don't drop to <5, they have had to undergo chemo. So, I'm not sure, but I wonder if since I didn't receive treatment for a molar pregnancy immediately, my levels dropped (slowly) but at the time that I had the D&C my levels were low enough that it was completely taken care of with the surgery. God may have been protecting me from having to undergo chemo and all that entails. Just wanted to share that and hope my thoughts make sense. Thanks for all your prayers. I will keep you updated on my lab results, although at this point, I feel pretty safe saying that I'm in the clear. After three draws of "zero" the doctors consider me back to normal.

Good

Yesterday, I was listening to Ed Young on t.v. while I cleaned the house and he brought up Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." I have been so fortunate to have pastors that have explained to me that verse, and that it's meaning is not that everything that happens to us is good, because we are Christians, but that everything that happens works for our good...to make us better, closer to God, etc. So my hope is that in looking back I will see the good work that God has done through this in my family.
This week I'm doing better, maybe it is because life has just taken over, but I think that God is continuing to care for me and pull me through this difficult time. I don't seem to be struggling with not having another child when I want one, but instead taking every moment to enjoy the beautiful child I do have. My energy level isn't what I want, but instead of napping while Mali is down, I'm pushing on through and cleaning the house and completing much needed projects. I'm exhausted when Mali goes down at night...and that has been a battle all it's own. She's currently sleeping in the closet. And sleeping is used very lightly here. Nap has been a whole other battle as well. Do I really have the child that drops her nap before she turns 3? It wouldn't surprise me! Since I commented on how I'm getting so much done, I suppose I better get to work instead of blogging. Today and tomorrow are huge rivalry games between Bonham and Crockett and Amarillo High's homecoming is Friday (Against Odessa Permian, Friday Night Lights fame for those who don't know), so it promises to be a very busy week! Thanks for continued prayers and love!

Plug

As most of you may know, I am a Licensed Professional Counselor/National Certified Counselor and have training in play therapy. I believe that this was the first calling that God put on my life, but then He changed my primary calling to that of staying at home to raise Mali. In Lubbock I was able to see a few clients based on my connections at Buckner as my past employer, but moving to Amarillo I have no "connections". I am not sure that this is highly professional, however I'm posting this because I have a desire to help children in need, if they are out there. I accept Medicaid and private pay, but no other insurances, and have no office at this point. My mode of treatment is primarily play therapy, or tote bag therapy, as I bring a "tote bag" of play therapy specific toys to the child's home. Eric and I have decided that it may be in the best interest of our family at this point for me to pick up a few clients, if there is a need out there. So, if you know of any one that this might help, please forward this information on, and read the information below concerning play therapy! I so appreciate it! Thank you so much for letting me plug my services!


Throughout their lives, most children go through difficult times, such as the divorce of their parents, trouble making friends, or adjusting to changes at school or home. Some children need more help than others to get through these times. If you or other adults in your child's life are concerned about your child's behavior, play therapy can help.

What is play therapy?
Play therapy is to children what counseling is to adults. Play therapy utilizes play, children's natural medium of expression, to help them express their feelings more easily through toys instead of words.
Play Therapy is the most appropriate method of treatment for children who are having difficulties coping with life situations. Though children lack the cognitive skills to express themselves with words, they are fluent in the language of play. Play therapy allows them to express themselves in the way in which they are most comfortable.

What's the difference between play therapy and playing with my child at home?
Play therapists are specifically trained to provide an environment of acceptance, empathy and understanding in the play therapy room. Play therapy is not the same thing as playing. Play therapy uses the child's natural tendency to "play out" their reactions to life situations, in the presence of a trained play therapist, to help the child feel accepted and understood and gain a sense of control or understanding of difficult situations.

Released

Today I went to see the oncologist again and was RELEASED from the Cancer Center! My hCG levels were < 5 again and so Dr. Tedjaradi released me. God really blessed me with a tremendous oncologist, but now my regular gynecologist will just check my levels. From now on I will have my levels checked once a month, and then every 3 months for a year when my gynecologist okay's it. They also checked my uterus, and it has returned to normal size! Yeah! I feel so relieved. I haven't felt good lately and so I was a little nervous that my hCG had gone back up. So far it seems that God has just allowed this carcinoma to be erased from my body! This news has definitely brightened my day, although the financial burden of it all looms above me. If anyone knows any children in Amarillo that would benefit from play therapy, this is a plug!:) Thank you again for all of your prayers, emails, messages, and texts. They have all been such a blessing and have encouraged me as we walk down this road.

Not smelling like fire

The past week has been a little difficult to rise above my circumstances. Part of the problem is receiving bills for surgery. Especially when it cost what having a baby would cost (not quite, but that is what my mind is telling me). I'm finding that I'm having to spend a lot more time and effort taking captive my thoughts and feelings. I'm not sure if it is hormone related (I think it is), but I am struggling with being upset and just having to fight it, or ask God to fight it is more correct. I am really trying to rest in the sovereignty of God. The chapter that I'm reading in "A Life Well Lived" has been focusing on having poise during difficult times, and believe me, that is what I'm trying to do. I'm not sure that I'm really succeeding right now. God has reminded me of the Daniel study that Beth Moore wrote. She talks about how Shadrach, Meshach and Abed-nego came through the fiery furnace and didn't even smell like fire. "v. 27 and the satraps, prefects, governors and royal advisers crowded around them. They saw that the fire had not harmed their bodies, nor was a hair of their heads singed; their robes were not scorched, and there was no smell of fire on them."(see Daniel 3) I suppose that is part of the greatest struggle right now; to go through this fire, which is actually sometimes daily small embers spit off of the larger fire in my life, and yet to not smell like the stench of the burn. I know that I have such an opportunity to choose to breathe life or breathe death from this experience, especially as I come in contact with new people and share my "story". At this point what I know is that I have to expose myself to God in some form, scripture, prayer, music, worship, anything on a daily basis, or else I will not succeed in not smelling like this fire.
I also wanted to share a quote from the book (I will say again, you need to get this one!!):

Ecclesiastes 8:6 "For there is a proper time and procedure for every delight, when a man's trouble is heavy upon him."

When my life is burdensome and my heart is broken, I need to remember that there is a proper time and procedure for every delight. There will be a time when this trouble is gone. There will be times of laughter. In God's purposes, there will be a time when everything is turned upright again.
So if you have trouble that is heavy on you right now, know that it is all in the sovereign purposes of God. Change what you can change. Be wise. But in what you can't change, rest in the sovereignty of God.

Also, one of my very best friends shared this verse with me. I hope she doesn't mind that I shared it on the blog. It was so appropriate. I continue to be amazed at how scripture really is new every morning!

It made me think that God knows what we need, when we need it, and He is gracious to fulfill our desires with an "open hand". Hope that makes sense, but I guess the verse can speak for itself! "The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing." - Psalm 145:15-16

On a much lighter note, football season at Bonham has begun. Eric won all four of his games in the past two days. A major cold front hit right before the 7th grade games on Monday and it has been perfect football weather ever since. We have had fun enjoying what we can enjoy and celebrating with Eric! So to add to my list of "likes" about Amarillo, the middle schools do not play at stadiums, just on the fields outside of the school, which makes life much easier with a 2 1/2 year old running around. I watched more of the games than I've watched since she was born (and maybe before that since I'm new and have no one to socialize with :) )

Sick

I would so appreciate your prayers right now. I have been sick to my stomach, with major stomach pains as well, since last night. Right now it is finally getting better. I contacted my gyn's nurse, and she seems to think it is all my medication plus last night I had to take 3 birth control pills at once (doctor's orders to control some other issues that are going on). I'm pretty sure that is what is wrong. I'm supposed to continue to take 2 birth control pills today but I'm planning on just taking one and skipping all my other medication today. This is why I hate birth control. Eric commented "so you pretty much feel pregnant again", yes I do, but even worse and nothing to show for it. On top of that, last night we took Mali to the pediatrician because she was crying and inconsolable and she either has strep or a urinary tract infection, pretty sure it is a UTI though, we have to wait for the cultures to come back to know for sure. Thank you for lifting us up, sorry to just always have more drama to post! I'm so ready to be back to normal and be a good mom again!:( So far Mali has eaten fruit snacks, chex mix, whales, and pretzels for breakfast and lunch, and just wore underwear until nap. I better go rest and try and get better!

A little convicted

After my discouraging day and my last post, I went and read "A Life Well Lived" and this scripture was in there. I had to share it, because it really put things in perspective for me. It doesn't make this easier, but reminds me to trust God. And, if you haven't bought this book yet...DO IT!:) I think it should be required reading for everyone!:)

Isaiah 40:13-14

13 Who has understood the mind of the Lord, or instructed him as his counselor? 14 Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it that taught him knowledge or showed him the path of understanding?

Today

I've been pretty good at pretending I'm strong throughout this whole thing, but today is not one of those days. (Really though the only strength that I have had is God's.) I had a follow up appointment with my ob/gyn today. I'm so thankful for her and that God took me to her. She is really great. So the results of that appointment are that my uterus is still enlarged (one of the symptoms of a molar pregnancy, and why I realize now I was "showing" so quickly when we first found out I was pregnant), but it should continue to go down. I had stopped bleeding, but started again today, which is just all part of this whole thing. My doctor put me on a prescription strength iron pill to help get my blood count back up. She didn't check to see if I was anemic, but is pretty much a given that I need to build my blood back up. I had asked when I would feel better, and her response was 6-8 weeks, but that iron would help. I also got a prescription for birth control (whoo hoo). I know that so many people are on the pill and love it, but I just haven't had good experiences. On top of that I got the cheapest one that I could and it is still going to be about $20/month. I would appreciate your prayers that birth control doesn't affect me emotionally. I'm very nervous about this (why, I'm not sure, as God has been so faithful to me throughout this experience. I guess I'm just living in my flesh today.) I read some reviews about this particular pill, and they weren't good, about the emotional side affects. My doctor also scheduled another follow up for two weeks from now to recheck my uterus. It turns out that I will pretty much have weekly appointments between the oncologist and her, but better safe than sorry. From here on out, I need to have my hCG levels checked every two to three weeks until I have three negative readings (under zero), after that I will have my levels checked every three months until a year has passed. At that point, we may be released to try again to get pregnant. I asked my doctor about my chances of this coming back. She said that it is a greater risk within the year time frame, but still a low risk...yet there was a 1/1,500 chance of this happening in the first place and it happened to me. She explained to me that they do not want me to get pregnant because it is hard to monitor whether or not the carcinoma has come back (her words) because all they have to go by is the hCG levels. She said that if I get a blood test that my levels are elevated I would need more intense treatment (possibly chemo). Her words were that if I were to become pregnant this, molar pregnancy, is so dangerous that they would have to abort the pregnancy and treat it as if it was in fact a molar, because there would be no other way to tell. So it is worth the wait. I'm really trying to rest in God's plan and lay this at His feet. Today it was hard to see the pregnant women in the office, especially the ones with what looked like another 2 year old child. I spent most of Sunday crying over this, and Eric said "did you ever think you would cry over not having a baby?" We laughed, and then he said that he thought it was pretty neat that I did want a baby. My doctor also talked with me about the care I had received in Lubbock and asked if I had notified my doctor there of what had happened. She said that she did not even have to see me, just my levels and the sonogram and list of symptoms, to know that this was a molar pregnancy. I think after I am better emotionally (not sure when that will be, especially being on the pill), I'm going to write a very professional letter to them about the care I received. I'm really not angry, and what is done is done, and God allowed this all to happen, but maybe I can help a patient in the future have better care.
I so appreciate all of your prayers and love! I continue to need them, even though surgery is done! I'm ready to feel better and not have to live day to day or appointment to appointment. We'll get there though, I just have to keep trusting in what God is doing in my life. Speaking of, I think I really need to stop venting and get in the Word right now!:)