Health wise I’m doing pretty good, my body is just trying to recover from the last few months plus surgery. However, the last few days have been harder emotionally to recover. I think that since I feel better physically I’ve had more time to focus on the emotional aspects of this diagnosis. It has really been hard to think that we can not even try to have another child for a year, which means that if that all works well, our children would be five years apart. Coming from a family studies/counseling background that really bothers me, and is something I would not ever have wanted. I spent a lot of my education studying birth order, and what that all means, and I never wanted an oldest child (totally irrational and impossible I know), and now it seems that I might have two oldest children, or two only children, yikes! There are also other reasons that it just makes me sad. I don’t want Mali to grow up spoiled and with all the attention. I so desired for her to have a close sibling relationship, because my relationship with Brandon is what got me through so much. In the back of my mind, I keep telling myself that God knows what is best, and even though my education, opinion, and intuition tell me this isn’t good, that God knows the truth and the big picture and what is truly good. But, I am struggling with this right now. The funny thing is, that I wasn’t sure I wanted another child, but I knew I didn’t want Mali to be an only child. I assumed I just needed to “suck it up” and have another child and that it would end up being wonderful, just like having Mali ended up being so wonderful. I feel a lot of guilt for not wanting children, and wonder if this is why we can’t have another one, but I’m also not real sure God works like that.
I really felt like I wanted to get this off my heart and write about it. It is a little personal, and that is hard for me to share, it makes me vulnerable-one thing I hate to be. But, that might just be part of God’s plan for me! Thank you again for all your prayers. I will post an update after my consultation tomorrow!
Brie, I totally understand what you are saying about the kids being so far apart in age and the not wanting anymore part too. As you know, there is 5 years difference between Irelan and Kayden and Bretan...it is actually nice though! Bretan and Kayden help me soooo much...mostly Bretan! ha!
ReplyDeleteAaron and I didn't want any more babies when I became pregnant with Irelan....I was devistated at first. But, as Aaron's mom told me; God knew that I was a good mother and that I needed to bless one more child with the gift life in our family! And that changed it all!! I would never want to change anything that God has given me or done to me. Children are such blessings and there are so many people out there that can't even experience the gift of giving live to a beautiful baby! So, in that alone...you have been blessed with a beautiful baby girl! If and when God decides to bless you with another child...it will be a beautiful moment for you! Just remember, in everything there is a reason!
I truly hope this makes sense...I was typing rather quickly!!! My mind may have been working faster than my hands!
~Tennille
Brie,
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with your friend, Tennille. Me and my two sisters are all five years apart and it has been a HUGE blessing! It was so nice for me not to have a sibling so close that I had to compete for friends, sports or academics. I think with Mali being older, she will be able to understand and enjoy the responsiblites of being an older sibling. I think if you think about it, you know a lot of people who have kids 4 and 5 years apart and their kids are great. I think you are putting way to much emphasis on information you got from school. Remember your blessings, whenever they come to you.
So glad you are feeling better physically!
Brie,
ReplyDeleteI know you don't know me, but I wanted to let you know that you are not the only one with these issues. I really didn't know if I wanted children either. After my son was born, he was a great blessing, but more work than I ever imagined! He is an only child and only grandchild, and I knew the he really needed a sibling. However, I was not too excited about the whole idea. I put off the issue as long as possible with all kinds of rationalizations, never once consulting God about it. I started having some health issues lately, which may impair my ability to have more children. I find out tomorrow if I have Chron's disease. It is a disease of the digestive system that requires lifelong medicine and management. Best case scenario I can go into remission, and get pregnant in a year or two. My son is already 3 1/2, and I really didn't want my kids that far apart either. The funny thing is, now that now having another one is a real possibility, I can't think of anything I want more. Maybe that is the message for both of us. Good luck with your test results tomorrow, I'm glad you are feeling better. On a lighter note, my brother and I are five year apart, and very close. Thanks for listening.