Artist

I've had a few people ask the artist of the song, sorry I totally forgot to give them credit. Its Need to Breathe and the song is Yahweh. You can look at Air1 and find a link for them I'm sure.

Results

This morning I went to the oncologist to go over my results from the D&C. The pathology report showed that it was a molar pregnancy but that it had not spread to cancer. Also, my hCG levels were less than 5 which is wonderful. (They need to be at zero, but this is the lowest it has been). So, this means that the D&C got almost all of the molar pregnancy out. I go back in 3 weeks for blood work and we will monitor my hCG for the next year. The doctor stressed again that I can not get pregnant for a year. He told me to send Eric out of the country for a year!:) But I do have to be on two forms of birth control for three months, and then just an aggressive form of birth control pill for the remainder of the year. I'm not looking forward to that as I haven't taken birth control for 6 years because of how it made me feel. But I totally get how important it is not to get pregnant. Thank you for all of your prayers. I'm so relieved right now and thankful for how God has taken care of me and answered our prayers! Thank you all!
These are the lyrics to the song that was playing when I pulled up to the Cancer Center, so I had to share:
Cathedrals have tried in vain
To show the image of Your face.
But we are, by Your design,
The signature of divine.

We'll always sing Your name.
Forever and today.

Chorus:
Yahweh, Yahweh...
Great is Your glory when You go before me
Oh, we sing...
Holy, Holy...
Your ways are lovely. So high above me.
Yahweh

The fortunes of kings and queens
Are wasted chasing what we've seen.
Cause we are, by Your reprieve,
The beauty framed by Your suffering.

We'll always sing Your name.
Forever and today.

Chorus:

Take me, and pull me through.
Cause I can't move without You.
I won't leave You alone, You say.
It will be okay.

Chorus: (2x�s)

Ancient of Days...
Yahweh!

Bloodwork

Today I go and have follow-up bloodwork done at the cancer center. I won't know the results until tomorrow when I have my follow up consultation with the oncologist. The hope is that my hCG is at zero.

Health wise I’m doing pretty good, my body is just trying to recover from the last few months plus surgery. However, the last few days have been harder emotionally to recover. I think that since I feel better physically I’ve had more time to focus on the emotional aspects of this diagnosis. It has really been hard to think that we can not even try to have another child for a year, which means that if that all works well, our children would be five years apart. Coming from a family studies/counseling background that really bothers me, and is something I would not ever have wanted. I spent a lot of my education studying birth order, and what that all means, and I never wanted an oldest child (totally irrational and impossible I know), and now it seems that I might have two oldest children, or two only children, yikes! There are also other reasons that it just makes me sad. I don’t want Mali to grow up spoiled and with all the attention. I so desired for her to have a close sibling relationship, because my relationship with Brandon is what got me through so much. In the back of my mind, I keep telling myself that God knows what is best, and even though my education, opinion, and intuition tell me this isn’t good, that God knows the truth and the big picture and what is truly good. But, I am struggling with this right now. The funny thing is, that I wasn’t sure I wanted another child, but I knew I didn’t want Mali to be an only child. I assumed I just needed to “suck it up” and have another child and that it would end up being wonderful, just like having Mali ended up being so wonderful. I feel a lot of guilt for not wanting children, and wonder if this is why we can’t have another one, but I’m also not real sure God works like that.

I really felt like I wanted to get this off my heart and write about it. It is a little personal, and that is hard for me to share, it makes me vulnerable-one thing I hate to be. But, that might just be part of God’s plan for me! Thank you again for all your prayers. I will post an update after my consultation tomorrow!

Making it really easy

Here is the link to a site where you can buy "A Life well Lived". I so think every one of you would benefit from this study.
A Life Well Lived
Also, here are 2 other quotes that I read yesterday:
“Whether you’re a believer or an atheist, you will royally mess up your life if you can’t trust God.”
“The chances are that if I asked you to list the things that have shaped your life, you would not name the mountaintop moments of success. Instead, you would list your times in valleys of hurt and pain when you were forced to rely on trust, prayer, and perseverance. Those are the times that shape you.”

I just thought these were such truths for my experience now, and my valleys of hurt experiences. So I had to share.

I’m continuing to recover…thanks for your prayers. I’m just seeing how life can take such unexpected twists and turns and can change overnight. God is our constant and our Rock, and He doesn’t twist and turn, He’s always the same. That is why I can trust Him and turn to Him.

Praise!

Yesterday we got our new insurance cards in the mail and the coverage begins Sept. 1st...yeah God!
I'm continuing to recover, although each day is a challenge. I seem to count down the minutes until nap time and bedtime each day (right before each is the hardest part of my day). I did sleep last night without sleeping pills (yeah to that too). I had taken them the past few nights because I was so worried of not sleeping and having those weird dreams/thoughts that I had the night of my surgery. But everything was good, except being woken up multiple times by the dog that is supposed to be an outside dog but that is now inside at night!!! I'm finding I'm not quite as tough when I'm recovering from surgery.:)
I just wanted to again thank everyone that has sent me some sort of message and that is praying. I wish I had the time to personally write you each back, but know that I definitely acknowledge what you have sent and so appreciate it!

and...

Insurance seems like it is going to work out just fine because Eric's contract started before any one else's. So another answered prayer!!:)

Recovering

So I'm finally writing my own update. Yesterday I was still too groggy to post. The surgery went really well, amazing actually. I so expected the worst, but God gave me the best. I am so grateful to Him as He answered our prayers and took care of me. Thank you so much for all your prayers as well. God answered them!!! A surgery that usually involves a lot of blood loss, ended up being one with very little blood loss. That right there is God! The recovery has gone pretty well. I can't complain, as the whole picture turned out so great. I was pretty sick after the surgery until I got home and go to bed. I didn't get hardly any sleep that night and spent most of yesterday napping on and off throughout the day. However, I did not have to take any more pain meds. Last night I finally got good sleep (thanks to a dose of Tylenol PM) and feel better today. I'm still a little tired but was able to get up and function for the most part; eating breakfast, putting my contacts in, getting dressed in something other than a t-shirt and workout shorts, and putting makeup on! (I also put my nose ring back in! As if you all care about that!:)) I have had more pain today, but am managing it with regular Advil, trying to stay away from the Codeine unless I really need it. I've heard the 3rd day is usually the worst of recovery. Mali came back this morning and it was so good to see her and hold her. I think I'm going to be okay with having her back, but it is sure nice that she likes to pretend to go "night-night" and gives me a pillow and blankets and lies down beside me! She told Terry that she was going to come home and take care of me and take me to Wal-Mart. I'm not so sure about Wal-Mart...I think that is a place a need to avoid!:) It was sweet of her, and shows her heart, but I also hate to have a child that thinks she needs to take care of me. I think everyone has been emphasizing that she needs to be good for me, etc. (which would be very nice). Mali seemed to enjoy her time away, but struggled again with going to the bathroom when she needed to.
The chest x-ray also came back good, so the molar pregnancy had not spread to my lungs. I will do follow up blood work (measuring my hCG) again next Thursday and a consultation with the oncologist on Friday to go over the results of the surgery and blood work. The hope is that since the molar pregnancy was removed that my hCG will return to zero. They will monitor my hCG for a year to make sure that the molar pregnancy doesn't return. And at that point if all is good, we can try to have another baby.
Well I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on. I better go and get some rest while Mali is napping. Thank you all so very much for your prayers, the food, the thoughts, and the love you have given our family as we go through this.

She made it!!!!

Hey everyone, just wanted to let you know that Brie made it out of surgery. She did great. The actual surgery only took about 30-45 minutes. The doctor did say he got everthing and she had very minimal bleeding. She goes back in 2 weeks for labwork and they will check her HCG levels again. So there were no complications at all. She did have some trouble waking up from anesthesia. She has been nausous since she got out of surgery. She also had some cramping and they couldn't give her pain meds until she ate something. She kept it down long enough to get the pain meds then it all came back up. They finally gave her something different about 45 minutes ago and now she is finally sleeping. She is suppose to go home tonight, but we don't know what time yet. I am sure that Brie will keep you updated. I know she greatly appreciates your thoughts and prayers. She was suprised herself at how well everything went. Beth and Melissa suprised her by showing up this morning. They have been here all day and even went to Brie and Eric's house to clean so Brie wouldn't have to do it later. Please keep praying that she will have a speedy recovery. Thanks, Megan

Tomorrow

Today has been a hard day for me. I have not felt good at all and am just so worried about tomorrow's results. Actually, maybe anxious is the better word, because I do totally trust and believe that God is in control of this. I am scared. I have the praise and worship song with the words "you are good, you are good, and your love endures..." stuck in my head, so I keep reciting that over and over today. I'm always reciting Isaiah 41:10 in my head. It was my very first verse to memorize when I started having a relationship with Jesus (remember this one Carrie?). "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Do not be afraid!!! Even though I know all these things, it is hard to not fear. I so appreciate your love and prayers. We have had so many people that we don't even know love on us during this time, thank you!
Tonight my Dad and Terry came down to pick up Mali to take her to Dalhart for a few days. That was when it really hit me. It was so difficult to let her go and say good-bye to her, although I do not want her to have to be around and be exposed to what is going to happen to me. She is going to have so much more fun swimming and playing with her kitchen and terrorizing little dogs!:) Our house is extremely quiet now, but I am looking forward to this rest. Even though this was so difficult, after I cried all the way home, I did feel washed over with peace.
We will go to BSA tomorrow morning at 6:30am and wait around for my turn. Eric or Megan will be updating this blog when they take me to surgery and after the surgery is over, so keep checking it. Eric will be alone at the hospital for a long time, so please pray for him during that time. If only he enjoyed reading, he would get a lot done.
Karen Copeland's (Trook) Sunday School Class at Paramount Baptist is going to bring us food tomorrow evening and one of the coaches and his wife (we knew them from Levelland) will bring us food on Tuesday. Thank you so so much for loving us this way in a new town where we aren't plugged in yet!
I love you all dearly and treasure you. God has continued to provide for us and love on us. HE IS GOOD, HE IS GOOD....

Insurance

Another praise, and prayer request all in one. Yesterday at the football scrimmage, one of the other coaches' wives that just moved here as well told me that she thinks we will have a lapse in insurance coverage for about a month. Levelland's stops Sept. 1st and AISD starts Oct. 1st.

So the praise is that my surgery will be before September 1^st, that is so huge and it was a close call, but God again took care of us in this situation. The prayer request is that we will have coverage as I will have a lot of follow up stuff that needs to be done in the following month.

Enjoying Life

One of the big points that Solomon is making in Ecclesiastes is to enjoy life, what God has given us, so we've really been trying to enjoy life these past few days. This afternoon, I took a ride on Brandon's new Harley!!! It was actually really, really fun. I've always been terrified of motorcycles and have had absolutely no desire to ride one. But it was very enjoyable. I have to admit, we only went around the block, but it was fun and so not typical for me! I just thought I would actually blog something fun and positive during this situation.

Amarillo

Last night as I finally allowed my self to sit and think and process what is going on, I was thinking about what I need, as many people have asked and offered. The thoughts that came to my mind were "I need to be in Lubbock." But then God helped me to see that if I was in Lubbock I might not be taken care of by doctors the way I have been here. Which led me to realize something that I never would have thought was possible, that this move to Amarillo may have been for me after all! I would never have thought that something I didn't want at all would actually be something that would help me! I guess it just re-affirms that we need to trust God and His plan because He can see so much more than what our human minds can even conceive of!
Many people have asked how I'm doing, and is my own tendency, I'm trying really hard to be strong and probably not really allowing myself to think about what is going on with me and my body. I'm very tired and am not sleeping well at all. Last night a lot of things hit me, and I'm feeling pretty scared about the surgery and what might happen. But I also know and believe that God is in control. As I finish this post, I want to share some more scripture that was given to me by a friend. Thank you again many times over for all that each of you is doing for our family right now!

Psalm 113
1 Praise the LORD. [a]
Praise, O servants of the LORD,
praise the name of the LORD.

2 Let the name of the LORD be praised,
both now and forevermore.

3 From the rising of the sun to the place where it sets,
the name of the LORD is to be praised.

4 The LORD is exalted over all the nations,
his glory above the heavens.

5 Who is like the LORD our God,
the One who sits enthroned on high,

6 who stoops down to look
on the heavens and the earth?

7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap;

8 he seats them with princes,
with the princes of their people.

9 He settles the barren woman in her home
as a happy mother of children.
Praise the LORD.

My Savior, My God

I really feel like God speaks to me through lyrics of songs sometimes. When Brandon was going through a difficult loss about a year ago, I first heard this song, then on the way home from getting Mali this was on the radio again. I just had to share, although I'm sure most of you know it!

I am not skilled to understand
What God has willed, what God has planned
I only know at his right hand
Stands one who is my savior

I take him at his word and deed
Christ died to save me this I read
And in my heart I find a need
For him to be my savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my savior

My savior loves, my savior lives
My savior's always there for me
My God he was, my God he is
My God he's always gonna be

Yes, living, dying; let me bring
My strength, my solace from this spring
That he who lives to be my king
Once died to be my savior

That he would leave his place on high
And come for sinful man to die
You count it strange, so once did I
Before I knew my savior

My savior loves, my savior lives
My savior's always there for me
My God he was, My God he is
My God he's always gonna be

Aaron Shust

Update for today

This morning I went to the oncologist at 11:15am. It was so so hard. I think I was shaking the whole time we were going through paperwork. Then they handed me a packet on treatment at the Cancer Center. Eric wouldn't let me read it though until after the appointment, because we are hopeful.
Anyway, I will try and give a run down on what happened. It was a very busy day and I'm exhausted, plus Mali isn't taking a nap today since it is already 4pm.
The doctor told me that I was not in there because I had cancer, we are unsure of the exact state of the molar pregnancy at this point, but that it can act like cancer. He explained that it was a very complicated procedure with lots of possible risks. I had to sign a consent for a transfusion, as well as a consent to a hysterectomy if that was necessary. He explained that it may not be necessary but that he would not do the D&C unless I agreed to this. It was so hard to hear that. I really nearly lost it, but Eric reminded me that we do already have such a beautiful child. The doctor also explained that it is imperative that we not get pregnant again for one year as the molar pregnancy can come back and spread like cancer. He wanted to take me in this afternoon but since I had eaten he really couldn't. He then said since I've been running a mile everyday that he couldn't really say that it was an emergency to get me in tonight!:) After an exam and scheduling the D&C we went to the hospital to pre-register for my surgery. I had more labs drawn and a chest x-ray to make sure that the molar pregnancy has not spread to my lungs. I'm now ready to go (and I have a wrist band I get to wear all weekend until I'm admitted:)) Here are the important facts:

• I'm scheduled for a D&C at 1:30pm on Monday August 20th. However, they want me to go in at 6:30am to be ready at any time in case I can be moved up. I had experience with that with my induction with Mali.
• My potassium levels are low and so I have to take potassium supplements until my surgery and then they will re-draw Monday morning.
• First answered prayer (that we are aware of at least): I'm not anemic. I know this is so God because there is no way I shouldn't be as just 2 months ago I was.

Thank you ALL for your prayers, texts, emails, posts, comments, messages, words of encouragement, etc. It means so very much to me and God is using it to keep me going. I am completely at peace and feel assured of the outcome. I am very comfortable with my doctor and his staff.
I would ask you to pray for:

• My fear. I am scared about going completly under for the surgery and know it will hit me soon.
• Potassium levels to go up
• Surgery of course would go well and they would get everything out and that I wouldn't need chemo treatments
• That God would just protect my womb from any injury or from hysterectomy.
• That I would make it through this
• For Mali and my guilt at not being a good mom to her right now (I know that is probably totally irrational).
• For support and love to surround me physically. I need it. I'm trying to be so strong, but my moment will come. I need someone to be strong for me...but I do the strongest One is here for me!
• And all other ways you know to pray for this situation!

I pray that God is so glorified and his purposes completed because of this! Many of you have asked me to let you know what I need, honestly I don't know what I need. Let God lead you and obey Him as he shows you! That's the best I can say!:) Thank you all many many times over! I'm going to lie on the couch with my sweet daughter in my arms, listen to the thunder and rain and rest!

Asa

Yesterday after Eric finished in-service stuff he took me on a surprise trip to the DAWGS animal shelter to adopt a whippet (a dog I've always wanted) since we will not be able to have our own baby any time soon. Here name is Asa (like awesome) and means Hope in Nepali. We wanted to name her something that symbolizes what we are going through. Crazy, I know! So far she has been really, really good. I'm hoping to run with her once I recovery from all this.

Sonogram

Lat night I had another sonogram. I don't know much as an M.D. was not in there. Megan went with me. The sonographer did say that it was small and pointing to everything in my uterus said "all that stuff...its not supposed to be in there". We go to the oncologist in a couple of hours and I will post the news after that.

A Life Well Lived

A few weeks ago the father of a girl that I am seeing in play therapy had recommended the book A Life Well Lived by Tommy Nelson (He did a study on Song of Solomon that many of you might be familiar with). I bought the book for me and my brother, but really didn't have any idea why I needed to read it other than it was good and I needed a bible study to do. Today I just read Chapter 3, which is titled The Problem with God: Why do bad things happen to me when I love God and am trying to do the right thing?
I wish I could scan the entire chapter and post it, but I can’t. And what it has showed me and comforted me with is just amazing. I am amazed how God planned even this out that I read this book at just the right time. First you have to read Ecclesiastes 3:1-15. Here are some sentences from the chapter that I underlined; Nelson says that “God has a plan and does not waver from it. God is sovereign over everything. No evil action skirts his plan. No piece of the puzzle is left over at the end. If you don’t die from something unexpected, there will be a day you weep over some diagnosis. These things are all ordained. We cannot know what life will bring.” He then identifies four platforms that Solomon gives us in Ecc.3:11-15:

God’s plan is wise

God’s plan is mysterious

We cannot let what we cannot know destroy what we can enjoy

Rest in the sovereignty of God: God is in control. His plan is unchangeably perfect.

Hope this helps some of you too, and encourages you to go read this book!:)

Websites

Here are some links to sites about molar pregnancies for more information:
http://www.njh.u-net.com/cgest.html
http://www.obgyn.net/women/women.asp?page=/women/articles/molarpreg_dah
http://www.americanpregnancy.org/pregnancycomplications/molarpregnancy.html

Scripture

These are verses God has comforted me with through friends

"Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord is the Rock eternal." Isaiah 26:4

"The secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things revealed belong to us and to our children forever. . . . " Deuteronomy 29:29

"He will have no fear of bad news; his heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord. "Psalm 112:7

"Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup; you have made my lot secure." Psalm 16:5

Sparrows

As if I didn't have enough posts already. These are things that I have been processing today. I didn't sleep much last night and was up for about 2 hours in the middle of the night just thinking through things. I also ordered a plastic nose stud because I will have to remove mine for surgery, and I DO NOT want to have to get that re-pierced, although if I'm already under maybe the surgeon could re do it!:) It is being expressed mailed so I should have it in time! This morning I went in for more blood work at the Harrington Cancer Center. I can not even begin to explain how difficult it was to walk into a building with Cancer Center on it with my beautiful, full of live two year old. I nearly lost it! But at the same time my heart hurt so bad knowing that all those people in there most likely did have cancer. After I had my blood drawn, Mali and I walked down to a river/lake that flows past the hospital. We fed the ducks and geese...and the little sparrows. Mali is very fascinated with sparrows because of a movie "Willow the Sparrow" (which she calls The Sparagus.) God took that time to remind me how he cares for the sparrows, and how in fact, he was using Mali and I to take care of those sparrows. I know, because of the truth in His Word, that He will care for me and my family. Luke 12:6-8 says :" Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. "I tell you, whoever acknowledges me before men, the Son of Man will also acknowledge him before the angels of God."
So knowing God's truth has helped. I think I am still numb and in shock. Some moments are really difficult, especially at night, but I'm trying to just take it one day at a time. Tonight I have another sonogram at BSA (the hospital) at 8:45pm so that the doctor can have records on file at the hospital. Tomorrow (Friday) I see the oncologist at 11:45 to make a plan and schedule the d/c. I will keep you all posted. Thank you so very much for praying and caring.

Prayer requests as I think of them

I would ask you guys to keep in mind the following prayers requests as you pray (BUT pray how GOD leads you as He is so much wiser in what I need):

• That the molar pregnancy has not spread or become malignant
• That the d/c will go well:
• No long term problems with transfusion
• Easy recovery
• No bad reactions to anesthesia or going completely under
• That I will come out of anesthesia without any problems
• I will not loose much blood
• wisdom and precision for the oncologist that will perform the d/c
• kind & nurturing staff
• We just paid off all of our credit card debt this week and now have more debt headed our way, pray that God would ease that burden.
• Sleep for me and Eric
• We would place our trust in God and that His purposes would be accomplished through this (whatever they are)
• Mali would be okay. She has been to many appointments with me throughout this ordeal and yesterday acted out getting her blood drawn!:( (Play therapists you understand). I know its just part of life, but I want my daughter to be okay and healthy.
• Support; we just moved to a new town and are not surrounded by our closest friends. Although we do have family nearer.
• That my womb will be okay to have more children (we already have to wait 1 year from the time my hCG levels return to zero, which is one of the hardest things to hear right now.)

I think that is it! I so appreciate your prayers and do not take it lightly that you are doing so. Thank you for the amazing people that have already called me and prayed with me on the phone and those that have done so in private!!

What is going on with me

As most of you know I had a miscarriage back in June. I have been in the
"process" of this for the last almost three months. After we moved, I had
problems with getting a gynecologist to take care of me (for lack of a better term).
However, I thought that I had finished the process a few weeks ago and was
on the way to recovery. I checked back with my old doctor and finally got
my new doctor to see me today. The Amarillo doctor did labs and a sonogram
and exam and told me that I still had way too much tissue and grape size
clusters in my uterus. She said that these are signs of a molar pregnancy
and that the Lubbock doctors should have realized this back when my levels
were extremely high and there was no baby. So I'm posting this to ask you to
pray for my family as we deal with this news. A molar pregnancy is a form
of cancer, although not necessarily in the way that we think of cancer.
However, Friday I will go in to have an appointment with an oncologist who
will do a full cancer workup on me. He will also do my d/c (that should
have been done months ago). My Amarillo gyn told me that I will need a
transfusion after the surgery, so to be prepared for that, based on my blood
loss with the miscarriage, my history of blood loss with the c-section, and
the fact that d/c usually mean quite a bit of blood loss. Thank you all for
your prayers. I know and believe our God is a God that heals, and a God
that was not surprised by this, although I am trying to make sense of it all
at this point.
"For who can eat and who can have enjoyment without Him? For to a person
who is good in His sight He has given wisdom and knowledge and
joy..."Ecclesiastes 2:25-26a.
Thank you for your prayers during this time,
Brie

This site

So I decided to create a blogspot so that I could keep everyone informed with what is going on with our family. Writing is just in my heart and really helps me to process what is going on, as well as inform everyone of what is going on. I so appreciate all the care, concern, love, and prayers of all of you. And, I wish that I could call everyone personally and let them know what is going on. But I just can't. First of all, I'm tired and I'm upset, and my desire is to make every single moment count with Mali and Eric. So, this is why I created this blog. I don't want this to be a site that creates more drama from what is already going on, or makes it worse than it is. But I need to and want to share with all of you and this is the best way I know how! Thank you again and again for your love and prayers.