Spent

I just had to blog this while it was all fresh on my mind, and yes if you are wondering, I'm neglecting my children while I blog. Or maybe I could say I'm encouraging them to play independently! Ha!
Last night I was spent! In the last nine months I've had 9 full nights of sleep. It seems that Eleri's sleeping is actually getting worse. Some nights, I can nurse her and she's right back to sleep. Some nights I've been up every 30 minutes at night with her. Night after night has ern a challenge. I've been recovering from a stomach bug and it has just been a hard time to be a mom of two. The night I was sick, Eleri decided to not sleep and was up for three hours. Eric even helped me. All you moms understand, and I have plenty of you as friends that have been sick recently too. Being a mom and being sick is just not fair! Add on top of that, the fact that I've been up a lot with Eleri in the middle of the night and haven't been able to get the rest I need. Eric was out of town in Lubbock for a game, so I was excited all day about putting the girls to bed early and myself going to bed early, even foregoing a shower just to crawl in my cozy, cushiony bed a few minutes sooner. Well, Mali came yelling into the room as soon as I got Eleri to sleep about a dog outside. Needless to say, Eleri woke up and was ready to go! About 20 minutes later, Eric came home. Both girls were so excited to see their daddy that there was no bedtime in site for either of them. My attitude was horrible towards Eric at first, and I did have to apologize. I just wanted to go to bed, but he was thrilled that he had gotten home earlier than expected and would get to see his girls since he wouldn't get to see them until Saturday some time. That's when the attitude started, and it continued throughout the night, the multiple times I was up with Eleri and then with Mali when she had to go to the bathroom in her sleepwalk state. At 5am, Eleri would not go back to sleep. I felt myself getting angry at her, which is so irrational. She is just a baby, I kept saying, but I couldn't stop feeling angry, and so I put her in her crib. I took a mom time out while she watched her peaceful projector, and then got her about 30 minutes later. Then Mali got up at 6am! I was so struggling with my attitude. I realized that it all had to do with expectations and selfishness. I had expected to go to bed early and was mad about that, I had expected to go back to sleep at 5am and was mad about that. It was also selfishness. I had started thinking about how much I needed sleep and how sick I had been and what I needed! All this thinking is so wrong and had led to my wrong attitude and anger! I knew that I needed to be thankful and was trying so hard! I also, in my irrationality I must admit, became worried about SIDs and how devastated I would be. So I did check on Eleri, who has been fine! I was trying so hard to pull myself out of this! And, after talking with Beth, I realized that I was also angry at God. I had begged him to let Eleri go back to sleep and He didn't answer my prayer! Didn't he know I needed sleep, and that if I didn't get sleep I wouldn't recover and my immune system would be compromised? I certainly had a lot to deal with this morning in my attitude. Several of my friends, actually I must say, all of my friends, have had pile on top of pile of things to deal with and has left us questioning why God has done this to us, and not looking at what God has done for us...like our beautiful, healthy children that we really cherish. We just all seem to be stuck under the piles of sickness, sleeplessness, swine flu, and sucking issues!
Then, God showed me this verse when I went to His Word "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." I Thessalonians 5:23. So in the last 24 hours I've been very much guilty and full of blame! But God IS faithful and he WILL do it and keep my spirit, soul and sick, tired body blameless if I rest in Him.
So the solution that Beth and I came up with on the phone today...venting is ok and necessary. Satan wants us to be angry at God and believe his lies. I need to replace Satan's lies with truth,but Satan knows in my emotional/too tired state I don't go to that truth but rely on my own fleshly feelings. Be thankful for what God does give us, don't expect an early bedtime, but be thankful when we get it. We need a break, but may not get one, rest in His strength and wait patiently for when the break comes.
I'm praying Peace over all of my friends and myself. I'm amazed at just how reading God's truth has settled my soul, spirit and body. And how it has refreshed me to keep on going. And, how talking with a friend has made me realize that I'm normal and that we were able to laugh at our crazy thoughts and irrationality but to encourage each other in choosing God's way, not our own.
Now back to my precious, precious gifts. Holding my sweet, squishy little baby and watching and laughing at Mali as she sings and pretends!
Also, in case anyone is wondering, I will not be receiving the Mom of the Year award again this year...there is always next year!:)