Friday, October 23, 2009

Spent

I just had to blog this while it was all fresh on my mind, and yes if you are wondering, I'm neglecting my children while I blog. Or maybe I could say I'm encouraging them to play independently! Ha!
Last night I was spent! In the last nine months I've had 9 full nights of sleep. It seems that Eleri's sleeping is actually getting worse. Some nights, I can nurse her and she's right back to sleep. Some nights I've been up every 30 minutes at night with her. Night after night has ern a challenge. I've been recovering from a stomach bug and it has just been a hard time to be a mom of two. The night I was sick, Eleri decided to not sleep and was up for three hours. Eric even helped me. All you moms understand, and I have plenty of you as friends that have been sick recently too. Being a mom and being sick is just not fair! Add on top of that, the fact that I've been up a lot with Eleri in the middle of the night and haven't been able to get the rest I need. Eric was out of town in Lubbock for a game, so I was excited all day about putting the girls to bed early and myself going to bed early, even foregoing a shower just to crawl in my cozy, cushiony bed a few minutes sooner. Well, Mali came yelling into the room as soon as I got Eleri to sleep about a dog outside. Needless to say, Eleri woke up and was ready to go! About 20 minutes later, Eric came home. Both girls were so excited to see their daddy that there was no bedtime in site for either of them. My attitude was horrible towards Eric at first, and I did have to apologize. I just wanted to go to bed, but he was thrilled that he had gotten home earlier than expected and would get to see his girls since he wouldn't get to see them until Saturday some time. That's when the attitude started, and it continued throughout the night, the multiple times I was up with Eleri and then with Mali when she had to go to the bathroom in her sleepwalk state. At 5am, Eleri would not go back to sleep. I felt myself getting angry at her, which is so irrational. She is just a baby, I kept saying, but I couldn't stop feeling angry, and so I put her in her crib. I took a mom time out while she watched her peaceful projector, and then got her about 30 minutes later. Then Mali got up at 6am! I was so struggling with my attitude. I realized that it all had to do with expectations and selfishness. I had expected to go to bed early and was mad about that, I had expected to go back to sleep at 5am and was mad about that. It was also selfishness. I had started thinking about how much I needed sleep and how sick I had been and what I needed! All this thinking is so wrong and had led to my wrong attitude and anger! I knew that I needed to be thankful and was trying so hard! I also, in my irrationality I must admit, became worried about SIDs and how devastated I would be. So I did check on Eleri, who has been fine! I was trying so hard to pull myself out of this! And, after talking with Beth, I realized that I was also angry at God. I had begged him to let Eleri go back to sleep and He didn't answer my prayer! Didn't he know I needed sleep, and that if I didn't get sleep I wouldn't recover and my immune system would be compromised? I certainly had a lot to deal with this morning in my attitude. Several of my friends, actually I must say, all of my friends, have had pile on top of pile of things to deal with and has left us questioning why God has done this to us, and not looking at what God has done for us...like our beautiful, healthy children that we really cherish. We just all seem to be stuck under the piles of sickness, sleeplessness, swine flu, and sucking issues!
Then, God showed me this verse when I went to His Word "May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it." I Thessalonians 5:23. So in the last 24 hours I've been very much guilty and full of blame! But God IS faithful and he WILL do it and keep my spirit, soul and sick, tired body blameless if I rest in Him.
So the solution that Beth and I came up with on the phone today...venting is ok and necessary. Satan wants us to be angry at God and believe his lies. I need to replace Satan's lies with truth,but Satan knows in my emotional/too tired state I don't go to that truth but rely on my own fleshly feelings. Be thankful for what God does give us, don't expect an early bedtime, but be thankful when we get it. We need a break, but may not get one, rest in His strength and wait patiently for when the break comes.
I'm praying Peace over all of my friends and myself. I'm amazed at just how reading God's truth has settled my soul, spirit and body. And how it has refreshed me to keep on going. And, how talking with a friend has made me realize that I'm normal and that we were able to laugh at our crazy thoughts and irrationality but to encourage each other in choosing God's way, not our own.
Now back to my precious, precious gifts. Holding my sweet, squishy little baby and watching and laughing at Mali as she sings and pretends!
Also, in case anyone is wondering, I will not be receiving the Mom of the Year award again this year...there is always next year!:)

10 comments:

  1. I feel for you Brie, thankfully we have been healthy so far, but I have felt what you wrote about. It seems to like they are up all night and wake up early, only on the days we have lots to do or have to be somewhere early...

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  2. Great truth!! I needed to hear that today!
    Thanks

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  3. haha! i'm laughing at the "sucking issues" part. our issues suck, or are you just referring to grant's sweet little lack of sucking correctly? :) but they do often drag us down...as i'm typing mailey is doing the roll/scream/smashface thing...and it is easy to lose focus. especially when you are sick. it is completely alright to need some things for YOU. if we do not take care of ourselves then we cannot take care of anyone else. you do an amazing job. it is ok to freak out every now and then. and to get mad. and to think things just really "stink." but our focus and goal is to please god, and we can only do so by his grace and mercy. new every morning. love you, friend!

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  4. Yes sucking issues refers to Grant and swine flu refers to your family!!!

    Thanks guys!

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  5. Thanks for sharing with us, Brie. It helps to put all our lives in perspective when we know we are not the only one struggling! The verse you chose also spoke to my heart.
    I will be praying for you, and for a peace and contentment in your heart. I also want to say, it is okay to take care of yourself. Certainly, not at the expense of others (especially your children and husband), but it is okay and necessary to take care of you. We are more able to cope with them when we do take care of ourselves. That exhaustion is paralyzing, and it can make it next to impossible to be and do our best. Maybe you could squeeze an early bedtime in for you some evening when Eric is home. Or a long afternoon nap while a friend takes care of the girls. Just something to help you.
    Absolutely, God will be faithful and take care of you and yours. NO DOUBT! But if it is possible for you to find a way to pamper yourself a bit, I think that would make him smile too. :-)
    Hope this helps, my friend. I don't mean to sound preachy! :-) I truly am just feeling for your pain... Sorry it is so rough right now! Praying for you!

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  6. Thanks Rachel. Love the help and encouragement. Not to continue my complaining, but I would absolutely love free/me time. It is just hard to come by right now. During football season, Eric works 7 days a week and isn't usually home to give me a nap or early bedtime since he gets in on good days at 8pm and late nights at 3am. I also nurse Eleri to sleep ( I know it's a no no, but I do it) so there is no getting to bed early either. That's why I'm waiting patiently for a break to come from God. I would love to have a moment to sit in silence, scrapbook or read my bible or truthfully watch a movie or read a book. But that season will come! In 3 months I won't be nursing and honestly wouldn't trade all ofthis for any alternative. I'm just bogged down momentarily.

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  7. I can tell by the number of comments you have that we ALL relate to this!!!! There is just nothing that compares to being a sleepless mommy (and to add sick on top of it, ugg!). Caleb commented the other day about "WHY our children want nothing to do with sleep when it's ALL we want these days..." ----- It got me thinking about how God must feel towards me when I rebel and act like a 'sleep fighting child' over so many situations in life! It helps me to realize the frustration he must feel when I won't LET GO AND LET GOD!!! :) Hang in there!!

    As for the picture collage on my page --- it's Picasa (a free Google picture storage program) and I LOVE IT!!

    Take care --- here's to getting some great SLEEP and also to learning so much about ourselves and our relationship with God through our struggles (and tremendous delights) raising these chitlins!!!

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  8. You are a wonderful mother, Brie! Your girls are blessed to have you. :-)

    It sounds like this is a very tough stage in general. Ugh! I will be praying for you to have the strength to make it through this time... sane. :-) And for relief to come soon.

    Take care, friend. I will check back with your blog to see how you're doing, and how I can specifically be praying for you guys!

    by the way, your girls are BEAUTIFUL!!

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  9. I'm catching up on your blog and I'm so glad I came across this one! Lately, because I've had to snuggle up with Reece to get her to go to sleep, I've found myself getting angry with her because there's a list of things I need to do once she goes down. I have to stop and remind myself that I'm living out my dream of being a mom and holding a sweet snuggle bug!!

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  10. Wow, I'm not looking forward to that. I can't believe you've only had nine full nights of sleep in nine months. That's rough! You're handling it wonderful though! I can't imagine how tired and grumpy I'd be. Is Eleri doing better? From Facebook it sounds like you're trying something new to get her to sleep more. I sure hope it works! You need and DESERVE a break!!!

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